Assholes who park in two spots.....(wow people with big cars are getting hammered in my blog..lol)

Hola dear reader, today’s rant is no doubt one that most of you will relate to. On Friday, the better half (the girlfriend) and I decided to go out to dinner to one of our favorite Chinese/sushi places. Getting there was surprisingly not too difficult considering that geographic location is usually a nightmare on Friday night. I pulled into the fairly large parking lot, figuring I would have to search somewhat for a parking spot. I say this since it is understood that I was not expecting good parking from the get go. I instinctively checked the first row of parked cars in feeble hopes that I was going to get a spot. Needless to say, the parking Gods were not in my favor, so I continued to the second row with much of the same result. I then proceeded to the third row. Moving fairly slowly so I would not overlook any vacant spots I saw a glimpse of an open spot. I accelerated some in excitement, knowing that my spicy tuna roll would soon be in my stomach.                     As I approached the spot and almost began turning my steering wheel to turn in, there it was…. There was one of the most aggravating sights in human existence. There in my (what I thought was) vacant spot, was some overpriced BMW compact convertible type car. I stopped for a second, letting this sink in. This was certainly not the first time I’ve been royally cock blocked from getting a parking spot, but somehow….more experience in this matter doesn’t translate to more patience and getting used to the happening. As I glared at the occupant-less, inanimate compact car, I slowly pulled away. Needless to say, I eventually found a parking spot not as near to the store but I found one none the less. I had some sushi and Chinese (yes BOTH, because I’ve become a fat ass at 27 years old) and the rest of the night was great.               Now without much brainpower, you see where the rant for this week falls. The “self important asshole parker” who for reasons unknown takes it upon themselves to park basically wherever the fuck they want to. Being a man that is interested in psychology and science in general, I would like to take this time to analyze the possible reasons you think you are important enough to need two parking spots.              A) The most obvious is you are immersed in how great you THINK your car is. Admittedly, coming out to a fresh dent is never a fun thing, but really….. just think. It is JUST a car. Not the Holy Grail. If you DO happen to get a ding from other idiot driver, the functionality and running capability of your car will not be destroyed. In all probability, no one will even notice (except you since you are an egotistical douche that is stupid enough to think we are all checking out “yo ride”)                 B) There is a delusion that somehow your time is more important, hence the need for a speedy and grossly incompetent parking job is in order.Let me be the first to pop that bubble my dear friend, the negligent parker…. Your time is NOT more important than mine. Whether I am picking up some Chinese, on the way to school, or mabe just stopping at the nearest 711 to pick up a new tube of chapstick, your time is NOT more important than mine. Basing the assumption that mine IS more important, I should park directly behind you and your crappy parking job, thus blocking you in…. Since, as I said, my time is inevitably more important.                            C) You have a car that is unnecessarily large. A Hummer for instance, is a such a car that would warrant to spaces usually… especially if the spaces are intended for “compact” cars. If this sounds at all familiar, and you are one of these types…. Stop it. Drive a smaller car. There is no need to have such a big car that does nothing more than making you a driving risk and use a shitload of gasoline, and causes more pollution. Get a small car and stop being an assclown and taking up two parking spots. PS—If you default to the “I have kids so I need a big car” answer……go fuck yourself, buy a minivan, and bam! No more obnoxiously large car, you won’t need to take two parking spots, and you can now cart that litter of gross looking mini you’s to soccer practice, or whatever menial activity you are doing with your spawn.                D) You are just a douche. A fat, stinky, douche that does not care about anyone else except for yourself. If you knowingly park like an asshole, please, kill yourself.                 The moral of the story is : A) Don’t park like an asshole. It takes up spots that others could use. B) Instead of being a self important ass clown, be more compassionate and understanding. Awareness that your actions can make someone’s day just one ounce more difficult should make you want to cease that action. C) One day, you may park like a flaming bag of douchenozzles…. And come out to your car and find that it has been vandalized somehow. Personally, every time I see a badly parked car, I want to unload an entire can of shaving cream on the windows, and slam a nice big letter that says in big letters…. “STOP PARKING LIKE A DOUCHEBAG. YOU ARE BEING A DOUCHE. AND NOONE LIKES DOUCHES. GO WITH CHRIST….."

                           Thanks for reading….Jay