Assholes who park in two spots.....(wow people with big cars are getting hammered in my blog..lol)

Hola dear reader, today’s rant is no doubt one that most of you will relate to. On Friday, the better half (the girlfriend) and I decided to go out to dinner to one of our favorite Chinese/sushi places. Getting there was surprisingly not too difficult considering that geographic location is usually a nightmare on Friday night. I pulled into the fairly large parking lot, figuring I would have to search somewhat for a parking spot. I say this since it is understood that I was not expecting good parking from the get go. I instinctively checked the first row of parked cars in feeble hopes that I was going to get a spot. Needless to say, the parking Gods were not in my favor, so I continued to the second row with much of the same result. I then proceeded to the third row. Moving fairly slowly so I would not overlook any vacant spots I saw a glimpse of an open spot. I accelerated some in excitement, knowing that my spicy tuna roll would soon be in my stomach.                     As I approached the spot and almost began turning my steering wheel to turn in, there it was…. There was one of the most aggravating sights in human existence. There in my (what I thought was) vacant spot, was some overpriced BMW compact convertible type car. I stopped for a second, letting this sink in. This was certainly not the first time I’ve been royally cock blocked from getting a parking spot, but somehow….more experience in this matter doesn’t translate to more patience and getting used to the happening. As I glared at the occupant-less, inanimate compact car, I slowly pulled away. Needless to say, I eventually found a parking spot not as near to the store but I found one none the less. I had some sushi and Chinese (yes BOTH, because I’ve become a fat ass at 27 years old) and the rest of the night was great.               Now without much brainpower, you see where the rant for this week falls. The “self important asshole parker” who for reasons unknown takes it upon themselves to park basically wherever the fuck they want to. Being a man that is interested in psychology and science in general, I would like to take this time to analyze the possible reasons you think you are important enough to need two parking spots.              A) The most obvious is you are immersed in how great you THINK your car is. Admittedly, coming out to a fresh dent is never a fun thing, but really….. just think. It is JUST a car. Not the Holy Grail. If you DO happen to get a ding from other idiot driver, the functionality and running capability of your car will not be destroyed. In all probability, no one will even notice (except you since you are an egotistical douche that is stupid enough to think we are all checking out “yo ride”)                 B) There is a delusion that somehow your time is more important, hence the need for a speedy and grossly incompetent parking job is in order.Let me be the first to pop that bubble my dear friend, the negligent parker…. Your time is NOT more important than mine. Whether I am picking up some Chinese, on the way to school, or mabe just stopping at the nearest 711 to pick up a new tube of chapstick, your time is NOT more important than mine. Basing the assumption that mine IS more important, I should park directly behind you and your crappy parking job, thus blocking you in…. Since, as I said, my time is inevitably more important.                            C) You have a car that is unnecessarily large. A Hummer for instance, is a such a car that would warrant to spaces usually… especially if the spaces are intended for “compact” cars. If this sounds at all familiar, and you are one of these types…. Stop it. Drive a smaller car. There is no need to have such a big car that does nothing more than making you a driving risk and use a shitload of gasoline, and causes more pollution. Get a small car and stop being an assclown and taking up two parking spots. PS—If you default to the “I have kids so I need a big car” answer……go fuck yourself, buy a minivan, and bam! No more obnoxiously large car, you won’t need to take two parking spots, and you can now cart that litter of gross looking mini you’s to soccer practice, or whatever menial activity you are doing with your spawn.                D) You are just a douche. A fat, stinky, douche that does not care about anyone else except for yourself. If you knowingly park like an asshole, please, kill yourself.                 The moral of the story is : A) Don’t park like an asshole. It takes up spots that others could use. B) Instead of being a self important ass clown, be more compassionate and understanding. Awareness that your actions can make someone’s day just one ounce more difficult should make you want to cease that action. C) One day, you may park like a flaming bag of douchenozzles…. And come out to your car and find that it has been vandalized somehow. Personally, every time I see a badly parked car, I want to unload an entire can of shaving cream on the windows, and slam a nice big letter that says in big letters…. “STOP PARKING LIKE A DOUCHEBAG. YOU ARE BEING A DOUCHE. AND NOONE LIKES DOUCHES. GO WITH CHRIST….."

                           Thanks for reading….Jay

The "BumperNuts" equate to massive douchbaggery

Hola dear reader. Jumping right into today’s topic, I will say that this is not entirely a new complaint from me. I have hinted at this topic via facebook status or rants among friends, but I dismissed this all as a passing trend that surely couldn’t catch on and expand. Boy was I wrong. The trend is catching on and expanding. To be fair, there is a TON of stuff that I find mildly annoying, and even more that I have a pure psychotic loathing for. This is one of those things.Todays rant is about my fellow men who, for reasons unknown to me, have decided that putting an oversized pair of solid brass testicles from their truck hitch and or car is a clever idea. Yes I said CAR, as this utterly moronic fad has spread to goofy looking Honda Civics too. I’m not sure when or even why this one got started. However, someone…..some where….. thought it would be a cool thing to put a big pair of fake balls on their truck.The “BumperNuts” have been growing in popularity since 1998. Now let me say that… I get it. I understand the need for some men to display their masculinity in really stupid ways. This is one of them. I understand that there is either some weird unstable insecurity brewing deep beneath the skin, or there is some Neanderthal need to assert dominance and masculinity. I get it. Since we as a species are no longer cavemen, there is no need to carry around the big ass club to whack any foes or larger mammals with. Unfortunately, the “bumperballs” have replaced the caveman club. I preface this next part with, I hate parents. I know I am one, however, most parents drive me insane. MOST are whiney hypochondriacs that think their kid is the savior of the species and will cure cancer or some other dramatic shit like that. That said, I was driving with my kid in the car this past weekend when we saw some obnoxiously large truck with one of these ornaments dangling from the back bumper. At this point my kid asked me about this. “What is that, daddy?” Now much to my dismay, I knew EXACTLY what she was referring to. Keeping in mind that she is 4 years old, and I have NO business explaining to her the anatomical makeup of men or women, I basically just explained that it is an ornament… much like a bumper sticker or some other innocuous accessory. Another interesting correlation with this fad is that I noticed (and I am blatantly stereotyping here and I apologize) most people who have these balls adorning their truck would be those most likely to call someone a Fag and pick a fight over the aforementioned name calling. First, keep in mind that it is 2011, and homophobia is really whack shit. Lets focus on fixing things, not worrying about where Jim puts his wiener. Second, if you are going to call someone a fag, I wouldn’t be one to put a big pair of balls on your truck. To a guy like me, that says you really like nuts. I mean you must REALLY like them if you are going to put them on your truck. Does one shine these fake nuts when they get through the car wash? Do they polish them at all? These are questions I have. Bottom line, if you have balls on your truck you are WAY gayer than the gayest guy I know…. And trust me, he is super gay. It’s not a problem or anything, just come out of the closet and drop that macho façade and just, ya know…. Come out with it. Go buy some Justin Bieber bumper stickers to go with your bumper balls.

Moral of the Story— A) Take the stupid balls off your truck. No one wants to look at them. It’s offensive and unbelievably short of taste. It tacky and ridiculous and the only thing I imagine you do when you get home is crack a Budweiser, watch a race, and beat your wife. (B) If you are going to have balls on your truck like an inconsiderate prick, you should at least come out of the closet. It isn’t a bad thing by any means. You just need to accept that you like balls A LOT, and coming out might neutralize that macho shithead crap you no doubt display. (C) Get a Ravens Bumper sticker like normal people…. It only offends Steelers’ fans and they are the people who have the balls on their trucks anyway, so fuck them. Thanks for Reading---Jay

Celebrity Takedown : Round 1

Hola Dear reader. Well, Unfortunately I am not in much of a ranting mood (though I usually end up in one by the end of any writing, so give me some time) which means I’m writing about nothing in particular.
                Over the past few weeks I have found myself going back to celebrity news websites such as TMZ. I have no real rant against celebrities since they keep us entertained and not concerned with anything of real importance. Normally I’d say the previous sentence with sarcasm but in this case, I’m serious. They keep us beautifully ignorant, and sometimes it’s awesome. Without further a due, here is some of my opinions on our most favorite celebrity goobers…
                Lindsay Lohan- Normally, when a person goes into rehab, I applaud them for such a selfless choice. Not here. I actually hope that “LiLo” will NOT get sober. I know this sounds callous but hear me out. Her movies are generally terrible… I mean, even with Jared Leto beside her in “Chapter 27”…she still sucked! She doesn’t really have much of a personality that I’ve seen while sober… and since I fear change, I like the boozing Lindsay. Also, it makes me feel better that when she is drinking and using cocaine a lot, “Herbie” will not be resurrected anytime soon….or ever. I could go the rest of my life without seeing previews to that piece of shit….
                “The Octomom”- She had 8 kids at once…. She does NOT need to be in a porn. That is gross and irresponsible. Besides, there are plenty of desperate 18 year olds who can be suckered into thinking doing a porn will launch them a career as the next Julia Roberts, and they haven’t punched out a single unit from the baby factory…. Let alone eight of them… gross.
                Justin Bieber- Sounds and looks like a 22 year old lesbian. I have no other beef with the kid. Just unfortunate to have that much money and be a total tool at such a young age.
                Michelle “Bombshell” McGee- Really? Some goober cheated on Sandra Bullock for that walking bucket of Hep C? As Cleveland from Family Guy said “I have no idea what a hollerback girl is. Like, literally, no idea. I have to imagine it's a foul, disease ridden thing, that wears to much makeup to cover up the fact that it's a 47 year old fish-dog." Aaaaaaaand that sums up the “bombshell”…. “bombshell”, give me a break…
                Charlie Sheen- You, sir, are my generations Yul Brenner. I hope you continue to be a party animal and get caught in precarious positions with hookers and continuously get “the flu” which we all know is you “partied too hard and we have no idea how you didn’t die”. I hope for many more decades of entertainment from you…. And none of it from the television or movie theatre.
                Billy Ray Cyrus- While he should be drug down the street behind a pickup and beaten for making a spawn like Miley, I am so happy he has a mullet again…
                The Kardashians- Your show sucks, you haven’t done anything in your life except coast off your dad’s success, and seriously…. You need to go away.
                O-Town REUNION!!!- wait, who the fuck is O-town? No, seriously, I have no idea who this is and girls my age are soiling the undies about this…
                Bristol Palin- MMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
(yes, that was mooing as in a cow moo…. Because you are a large farm animal, and watching you “dance” and give tips on abstinence and birth control with “The Situation” was hilarious)
                and finally, the Cast of Jersey Shore- Please never tone it down. Please remain mildly intoxicated even at 1030am. Please continue to tan entirely too much and put more product in your hair than Rosie O’Donnell has eaten ice cream. Please continue to get into fights that after the fact, we cant remember why there was in fact a fight. Please continue to entertain us all. You are my favorite car crash. If car crashes were funny. So basically, the perfect metaphor for Jersey Shore would be if there was a horrendous car accident, but only clowns were in the demolished and mangled cars…. Because you might see a foreign balloon animal somewhere and giggle.

get off your phone and take off your Bono glasses... douche

Hola dear reader. There were a few things that I really wanted to write about this week, but unfortunately, I chose to stick to my format and keep it to one rant, one topic. As some of you know my job involves a fair amount of customer service, which I’ve done for a bit over a decade now, so the idea of being overly polite to people generally rude is in and of itself, not a new one to me. However there has been two recent incidents in my front line trenches that have utterly urked the piss out of me, and this is not only my attempt to rant and rave about it, but if you are one of these people that engage in either or both of these two offenses, I am attempting to represent all customer service employees and tell you…. “You are a douche bag…”
                Now I preface this blog with, I like my job. It’s fairly easy, no real intelligence needed so I can write and read and listen to my ipod (in the voice of Milton from Office Space) “at a reasonable volume”. I also really like the folks I work for. Some are fellow civilians like myself, but most are men and women in the military…. And behold the stereotype is true… folks in uniform are pretty rad people. At any rate, on Friday BOTH of these, what I consider to be extremely egregious, offenses occurred.
                The first, I sat at my little cubicle, diligently doing my job when a patient strolled up to my desk completely disengaged in any and all of current surroundings. Since the winter months warrant the need for gloves and a hat, I did not immediately realize what the overly dressed woman, who was drenched in bad perfume, was actually doing. As she handed her ID to me, she began speaking aimlessly into no particular direction and I realized she was on her cell phone. Now since this is my place of employment I can’t readily tell this woman where she could stick her Iphone, so I continued to do my job as trained, and attempt to ignore the rudeness, even as she belted obnoxious laughs and continued on about her moronic story about some dumbass trick her dog learned. Her conversation went on for another 10 minutes despite the presence of myself and several others, including a Captain whose look of disdain reflected the same lack of patience for this cunt and the tales of her stupid dog. Eventually she left and we were all left with sweet sound of silence.
                The second of the two incidents occurred in the final hour of my shift as I was preparing to leave for the day. I also preface this with this particular woman has come in several times and every time has committed this offense which probably doesn’t bother anyone but me but I consider it an attempt to assert some sort of dominance that one doesn’t have, and basically just find it unmistakably offensive. The woman approached me, striding in a superficial manner in some weird attempt to essentially prove to myself and others around that she was “someone”…when in reality..she wasn’t. Dawning the same pair of douche bag “Bono” glasses, she uttered no greeting, with no expression on her face, and slammed her ID on my desk. I felt a smirk, as if to say “who the fuck are you lady?”, spreading across my face which I believe she picked up on because her already cold demeanor seemed to turn mildly more sour, although it was tough to pick up in since she has never uttered a word to me..haha.
                The moral of the story is A) Don’t be a douche bag. When you interact with other human beings, don’t be a rude piece of shit. Life is short on this little orb, so why not be a little nicer and make someone’s day go a tad better? B) No one gives a shit about your phone conversation. You may envision us thinking you have some sort of grandiose influence and importance because you are on the phone in front of 12 people at once. You aren’t. And the 12 people near you think you are a flaming bag of douche nozzles.  Hang up your phone you self important butt whanker.  C) Noone cares about your stupid pet and the stupid tricks you or a trainer teaches them. It’s almost as annoying as parents raving about their stupid kids peeing in the toilet by themselves. It’s not impressive. You know what is impressive? NOT talking about your pet and having manners in waiting rooms. D) Sunglasses should only be worn outside when it is sunny. Wearing them inside, especially when it isn’t even sunny outside, makes you look like an ass. And as for the accessory glasses most stylized by King douche nozzle himself, Bono, everyone should stop wearing these except for gay men, because they are the only ones who truly know fashion and can pull off any attire. If you aren’t gay, take off those stupid things. Thanks for reading. Jay AKuji

If your truck has a "shocker" sticker on it, this is about you, douche nozzle...

Hola dear reader. Every morning from Monday to Friday I have to take some of the busiest interstates in Maryland to get to my work. I have become more and more aware of a fairly sizable aggressive driving problem….
On my way to work, usually every morning, but this one specifically, I was driving comfortable down I-97 cruising around 75 mph, in a 65 mph zone, and in the middle lane. I usually get into the middle lane because of the unwritten rule that right to left is geared towards slower to faster. Knowing that some cars will be faster than me and others slower, the middle lane simply is an auspicious choice with limited confrontation from other drivers. Well, not this morning.
                As I drove along, quietly sipping on my coffee and listening to the news (yeah I listen to the news which I acknowledge makes me old and sad..Ha-ha) I noticed a rather big vehicle coming up on my backside at rather noticeable speed.  I kept my eyes forward, but occasionally glanced into the mirror, still noting that the velocity of this truck was not slowing and the distance to me closing in. Before I knew it, the truck was right on my bumper. Now I can normal handle someone close to me, but this driver was way closer than my comfort level would allow, but yet, I allowed myself not to panic or get too uncomfortable.
                Typically, most people who are confronted with the issue of having a slower car in front of you, you would simply use logic, hit your signal, and go around. Well, not my friend in the oversized truck. Instead he maintained his speed behind me. At some point, I begin to grow a bit more restless and agitated because the goober behind me shows no signs of going around or slowing down, which means any significant breaking would cause him to eat my bumper, thus ripping my car like tinfoil.
Then, just as I was beginning to get really annoyed, the douche nozzle flashed his high beams at me. This is usually understood as the international symbol for “get the hell out of the way”.
                Unfortunately, when I take anything as even slight provocation, I go bat shit insane. I don’t fly off the handle and climb a clock tower with a sniper rifle because I am too much of a smart ass, but I don’t take the aforementioned provocation well. So, as a bold smirk crossed my face, I began to slowly decrease speed. As an obvious result, the man in the truck was now as close to me as possible without actually hitting me. I dropped a few more miles per hour, leaving us now at 70mph. Still, the man did not pass on disengage his gas pedal. So I slowed more, which caused him to respond with yet another high beam flash, and now some notable swerving, which I assume because he now saw that he should pass and stop being a douche bag.
                What my good buddy in the truck didn’t anticipate in tailgating me was that I would NOT move as a response to high beam flashing and asshole like precision in following too closely. In fact, I was now traveling about 60 mph, in a 65 mph zone, with cars now passing us on both sides. What he also didn’t think about was that if I did slow down, as I chose to do, cars would be steadily passing us on both sides, leaving the option to pass not a viable option unless well timed. So now, this impatient little man in his unnecessarily large truck was stuck behind little ol’ me, incapable of being passed due to the increased traffic volume.
                I got a few more high beam flashes which caused me to slow down now to 55 in a 65. About this time, a hole in the traffic emerged and the truck went plunging for it like a running back looking for an open hole to get a first down. The man passed me, giving me the finger, which is the international symbol for “fuck you buddy”, to which I pointed and laughed hysterically at him. Making sure he saw me laughing and pointing I gave a quick beep of the horn, only to acknowledge that I knew he was there the whole time and that I didn’t care about his high beams, and to in a passive aggressive way, let him know I thought he was in fact, a douche nozzle.
                The rest of the drive went pretty smoothly, with no other incidents. Hopefully you can picture this scenario in your head, and get a chuckle at it, especially since no one was hurt.

The moral of the story is A) Relax when you are driving. Your soul killing desk job is not important enough to tailgate people, putting you and them at risk.  (B) If you do feel the need to continue being a douche nozzle, just know that there are guys like me ready to slow you down 20 mph, and if you hit us, we have NO remorse in suing the bejesus out of your stupid ass. (C) If you are in the state of Maryland, you do not need an Ford F-350 unless you own a lawn care business, own an RV that you pull around, and/or plow snow during the winter. Otherwise, it is useless, taking up way too much gas and making too much pollution. Furthermore, people passing you in the morning will suspect you have a small penis and that having such a big truck will fool us. It doesn’t. Just buy a normal F-150 and stop being a douche.
(D) Just remember the next time you get the urge to be a dick on the road, just be mindful that you don’t know that person’s story. Maybe their spouse just left them, or maybe there is a small child in the car that you are endangering…. But maybe it is a 27 year old smartass getting glee at slowing you down for driving like a dick.  Either way, just relax… life should be way smoother and chilled out. Until next week my dear reader, thanks for reading. --Jay Akuji

The INTRO// and precautionary advisory..haha

Hello dear reader. I hope this finds you in good spirits and you have had a happy new year. What you are reading was an extension of various New Year’s Eve resolutions. Basically, out of boredom, as well as an interest to just get some thoughts out and write, I will be constructing this weekly blog from now on. Essentially, if you have read previous blogs (or “notes” as it is called on facebook) then you get the gist of my writing pattern and style. Basically, this will be my arena to take shots at people, places, and things that irritate me, or events in my life that I find comical. I only say all of this in an introduction form because many of you may not even pay attention to anything I have previously written, or are unaware of my personality and/or extreme disdain for much of our modern culture, usually what I perceive to be our most inane contributions to the world… for example, people like me who go to Starbucks and type their “novel”…I am aware we are douchebags… and this is where I will confront these things. (and yes, I will even take shots at myself from time to time)

At any rate, this little disclaimer is just my nice, politically correct way of saying, these are my opinions. If you get pissy by something I write, please DON’T email me. I don’t care.  If you have criticism on my writing style in general, let her rip and send away. If the construction is poor, let me know so I can work on it, otherwise….. “I do what I want! Whateva! Whateva!!!”