On my way to work, usually every morning, but this one specifically, I was driving comfortable down I-97 cruising around 75 mph, in a 65 mph zone, and in the middle lane. I usually get into the middle lane because of the unwritten rule that right to left is geared towards slower to faster. Knowing that some cars will be faster than me and others slower, the middle lane simply is an auspicious choice with limited confrontation from other drivers. Well, not this morning.
As I drove along, quietly sipping on my coffee and listening to the news (yeah I listen to the news which I acknowledge makes me old and sad..Ha-ha) I noticed a rather big vehicle coming up on my backside at rather noticeable speed. I kept my eyes forward, but occasionally glanced into the mirror, still noting that the velocity of this truck was not slowing and the distance to me closing in. Before I knew it, the truck was right on my bumper. Now I can normal handle someone close to me, but this driver was way closer than my comfort level would allow, but yet, I allowed myself not to panic or get too uncomfortable.
Typically, most people who are confronted with the issue of having a slower car in front of you, you would simply use logic, hit your signal, and go around. Well, not my friend in the oversized truck. Instead he maintained his speed behind me. At some point, I begin to grow a bit more restless and agitated because the goober behind me shows no signs of going around or slowing down, which means any significant breaking would cause him to eat my bumper, thus ripping my car like tinfoil.
Then, just as I was beginning to get really annoyed, the douche nozzle flashed his high beams at me. This is usually understood as the international symbol for “get the hell out of the way”.
Unfortunately, when I take anything as even slight provocation, I go bat shit insane. I don’t fly off the handle and climb a clock tower with a sniper rifle because I am too much of a smart ass, but I don’t take the aforementioned provocation well. So, as a bold smirk crossed my face, I began to slowly decrease speed. As an obvious result, the man in the truck was now as close to me as possible without actually hitting me. I dropped a few more miles per hour, leaving us now at 70mph. Still, the man did not pass on disengage his gas pedal. So I slowed more, which caused him to respond with yet another high beam flash, and now some notable swerving, which I assume because he now saw that he should pass and stop being a douche bag.
What my good buddy in the truck didn’t anticipate in tailgating me was that I would NOT move as a response to high beam flashing and asshole like precision in following too closely. In fact, I was now traveling about 60 mph, in a 65 mph zone, with cars now passing us on both sides. What he also didn’t think about was that if I did slow down, as I chose to do, cars would be steadily passing us on both sides, leaving the option to pass not a viable option unless well timed. So now, this impatient little man in his unnecessarily large truck was stuck behind little ol’ me, incapable of being passed due to the increased traffic volume.
I got a few more high beam flashes which caused me to slow down now to 55 in a 65. About this time, a hole in the traffic emerged and the truck went plunging for it like a running back looking for an open hole to get a first down. The man passed me, giving me the finger, which is the international symbol for “fuck you buddy”, to which I pointed and laughed hysterically at him. Making sure he saw me laughing and pointing I gave a quick beep of the horn, only to acknowledge that I knew he was there the whole time and that I didn’t care about his high beams, and to in a passive aggressive way, let him know I thought he was in fact, a douche nozzle.
The rest of the drive went pretty smoothly, with no other incidents. Hopefully you can picture this scenario in your head, and get a chuckle at it, especially since no one was hurt.
The moral of the story is A) Relax when you are driving. Your soul killing desk job is not important enough to tailgate people, putting you and them at risk. (B) If you do feel the need to continue being a douche nozzle, just know that there are guys like me ready to slow you down 20 mph, and if you hit us, we have NO remorse in suing the bejesus out of your stupid ass. (C) If you are in the state of Maryland, you do not need an Ford F-350 unless you own a lawn care business, own an RV that you pull around, and/or plow snow during the winter. Otherwise, it is useless, taking up way too much gas and making too much pollution. Furthermore, people passing you in the morning will suspect you have a small penis and that having such a big truck will fool us. It doesn’t. Just buy a normal F-150 and stop being a douche.
(D) Just remember the next time you get the urge to be a dick on the road, just be mindful that you don’t know that person’s story. Maybe their spouse just left them, or maybe there is a small child in the car that you are endangering…. But maybe it is a 27 year old smartass getting glee at slowing you down for driving like a dick. Either way, just relax… life should be way smoother and chilled out. Until next week my dear reader, thanks for reading. --Jay Akuji
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