Hola Dear reader. Well, Unfortunately I am not in much of a ranting mood (though I usually end up in one by the end of any writing, so give me some time) which means I’m writing about nothing in particular.
Over the past few weeks I have found myself going back to celebrity news websites such as TMZ. I have no real rant against celebrities since they keep us entertained and not concerned with anything of real importance. Normally I’d say the previous sentence with sarcasm but in this case, I’m serious. They keep us beautifully ignorant, and sometimes it’s awesome. Without further a due, here is some of my opinions on our most favorite celebrity goobers…
Lindsay Lohan- Normally, when a person goes into rehab, I applaud them for such a selfless choice. Not here. I actually hope that “LiLo” will NOT get sober. I know this sounds callous but hear me out. Her movies are generally terrible… I mean, even with Jared Leto beside her in “Chapter 27”…she still sucked! She doesn’t really have much of a personality that I’ve seen while sober… and since I fear change, I like the boozing Lindsay. Also, it makes me feel better that when she is drinking and using cocaine a lot, “Herbie” will not be resurrected anytime soon….or ever. I could go the rest of my life without seeing previews to that piece of shit….
“The Octomom”- She had 8 kids at once…. She does NOT need to be in a porn. That is gross and irresponsible. Besides, there are plenty of desperate 18 year olds who can be suckered into thinking doing a porn will launch them a career as the next Julia Roberts, and they haven’t punched out a single unit from the baby factory…. Let alone eight of them… gross.
Justin Bieber- Sounds and looks like a 22 year old lesbian. I have no other beef with the kid. Just unfortunate to have that much money and be a total tool at such a young age.
Michelle “Bombshell” McGee- Really? Some goober cheated on Sandra Bullock for that walking bucket of Hep C? As Cleveland from Family Guy said “I have no idea what a hollerback girl is. Like, literally, no idea. I have to imagine it's a foul, disease ridden thing, that wears to much makeup to cover up the fact that it's a 47 year old fish-dog." Aaaaaaaand that sums up the “bombshell”…. “bombshell”, give me a break…
Charlie Sheen- You, sir, are my generations Yul Brenner. I hope you continue to be a party animal and get caught in precarious positions with hookers and continuously get “the flu” which we all know is you “partied too hard and we have no idea how you didn’t die”. I hope for many more decades of entertainment from you…. And none of it from the television or movie theatre.
Billy Ray Cyrus- While he should be drug down the street behind a pickup and beaten for making a spawn like Miley, I am so happy he has a mullet again…
The Kardashians- Your show sucks, you haven’t done anything in your life except coast off your dad’s success, and seriously…. You need to go away.
O-Town REUNION!!!- wait, who the fuck is O-town? No, seriously, I have no idea who this is and girls my age are soiling the undies about this…
Bristol Palin- MMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
(yes, that was mooing as in a cow moo…. Because you are a large farm animal, and watching you “dance” and give tips on abstinence and birth control with “The Situation” was hilarious)
and finally, the Cast of Jersey Shore- Please never tone it down. Please remain mildly intoxicated even at 1030am. Please continue to tan entirely too much and put more product in your hair than Rosie O’Donnell has eaten ice cream. Please continue to get into fights that after the fact, we cant remember why there was in fact a fight. Please continue to entertain us all. You are my favorite car crash. If car crashes were funny. So basically, the perfect metaphor for Jersey Shore would be if there was a horrendous car accident, but only clowns were in the demolished and mangled cars…. Because you might see a foreign balloon animal somewhere and giggle.
Over the past few weeks I have found myself going back to celebrity news websites such as TMZ. I have no real rant against celebrities since they keep us entertained and not concerned with anything of real importance. Normally I’d say the previous sentence with sarcasm but in this case, I’m serious. They keep us beautifully ignorant, and sometimes it’s awesome. Without further a due, here is some of my opinions on our most favorite celebrity goobers…
Lindsay Lohan- Normally, when a person goes into rehab, I applaud them for such a selfless choice. Not here. I actually hope that “LiLo” will NOT get sober. I know this sounds callous but hear me out. Her movies are generally terrible… I mean, even with Jared Leto beside her in “Chapter 27”…she still sucked! She doesn’t really have much of a personality that I’ve seen while sober… and since I fear change, I like the boozing Lindsay. Also, it makes me feel better that when she is drinking and using cocaine a lot, “Herbie” will not be resurrected anytime soon….or ever. I could go the rest of my life without seeing previews to that piece of shit….
“The Octomom”- She had 8 kids at once…. She does NOT need to be in a porn. That is gross and irresponsible. Besides, there are plenty of desperate 18 year olds who can be suckered into thinking doing a porn will launch them a career as the next Julia Roberts, and they haven’t punched out a single unit from the baby factory…. Let alone eight of them… gross.
Justin Bieber- Sounds and looks like a 22 year old lesbian. I have no other beef with the kid. Just unfortunate to have that much money and be a total tool at such a young age.
Michelle “Bombshell” McGee- Really? Some goober cheated on Sandra Bullock for that walking bucket of Hep C? As Cleveland from Family Guy said “I have no idea what a hollerback girl is. Like, literally, no idea. I have to imagine it's a foul, disease ridden thing, that wears to much makeup to cover up the fact that it's a 47 year old fish-dog." Aaaaaaaand that sums up the “bombshell”…. “bombshell”, give me a break…
Charlie Sheen- You, sir, are my generations Yul Brenner. I hope you continue to be a party animal and get caught in precarious positions with hookers and continuously get “the flu” which we all know is you “partied too hard and we have no idea how you didn’t die”. I hope for many more decades of entertainment from you…. And none of it from the television or movie theatre.
Billy Ray Cyrus- While he should be drug down the street behind a pickup and beaten for making a spawn like Miley, I am so happy he has a mullet again…
The Kardashians- Your show sucks, you haven’t done anything in your life except coast off your dad’s success, and seriously…. You need to go away.
O-Town REUNION!!!- wait, who the fuck is O-town? No, seriously, I have no idea who this is and girls my age are soiling the undies about this…
Bristol Palin- MMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
(yes, that was mooing as in a cow moo…. Because you are a large farm animal, and watching you “dance” and give tips on abstinence and birth control with “The Situation” was hilarious)
and finally, the Cast of Jersey Shore- Please never tone it down. Please remain mildly intoxicated even at 1030am. Please continue to tan entirely too much and put more product in your hair than Rosie O’Donnell has eaten ice cream. Please continue to get into fights that after the fact, we cant remember why there was in fact a fight. Please continue to entertain us all. You are my favorite car crash. If car crashes were funny. So basically, the perfect metaphor for Jersey Shore would be if there was a horrendous car accident, but only clowns were in the demolished and mangled cars…. Because you might see a foreign balloon animal somewhere and giggle.
Anyone who uses the term douche nozzle as much as you do, has my attention.
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