The "BumperNuts" equate to massive douchbaggery

Hola dear reader. Jumping right into today’s topic, I will say that this is not entirely a new complaint from me. I have hinted at this topic via facebook status or rants among friends, but I dismissed this all as a passing trend that surely couldn’t catch on and expand. Boy was I wrong. The trend is catching on and expanding. To be fair, there is a TON of stuff that I find mildly annoying, and even more that I have a pure psychotic loathing for. This is one of those things.Todays rant is about my fellow men who, for reasons unknown to me, have decided that putting an oversized pair of solid brass testicles from their truck hitch and or car is a clever idea. Yes I said CAR, as this utterly moronic fad has spread to goofy looking Honda Civics too. I’m not sure when or even why this one got started. However, someone…..some where….. thought it would be a cool thing to put a big pair of fake balls on their truck.The “BumperNuts” have been growing in popularity since 1998. Now let me say that… I get it. I understand the need for some men to display their masculinity in really stupid ways. This is one of them. I understand that there is either some weird unstable insecurity brewing deep beneath the skin, or there is some Neanderthal need to assert dominance and masculinity. I get it. Since we as a species are no longer cavemen, there is no need to carry around the big ass club to whack any foes or larger mammals with. Unfortunately, the “bumperballs” have replaced the caveman club. I preface this next part with, I hate parents. I know I am one, however, most parents drive me insane. MOST are whiney hypochondriacs that think their kid is the savior of the species and will cure cancer or some other dramatic shit like that. That said, I was driving with my kid in the car this past weekend when we saw some obnoxiously large truck with one of these ornaments dangling from the back bumper. At this point my kid asked me about this. “What is that, daddy?” Now much to my dismay, I knew EXACTLY what she was referring to. Keeping in mind that she is 4 years old, and I have NO business explaining to her the anatomical makeup of men or women, I basically just explained that it is an ornament… much like a bumper sticker or some other innocuous accessory. Another interesting correlation with this fad is that I noticed (and I am blatantly stereotyping here and I apologize) most people who have these balls adorning their truck would be those most likely to call someone a Fag and pick a fight over the aforementioned name calling. First, keep in mind that it is 2011, and homophobia is really whack shit. Lets focus on fixing things, not worrying about where Jim puts his wiener. Second, if you are going to call someone a fag, I wouldn’t be one to put a big pair of balls on your truck. To a guy like me, that says you really like nuts. I mean you must REALLY like them if you are going to put them on your truck. Does one shine these fake nuts when they get through the car wash? Do they polish them at all? These are questions I have. Bottom line, if you have balls on your truck you are WAY gayer than the gayest guy I know…. And trust me, he is super gay. It’s not a problem or anything, just come out of the closet and drop that macho façade and just, ya know…. Come out with it. Go buy some Justin Bieber bumper stickers to go with your bumper balls.

Moral of the Story— A) Take the stupid balls off your truck. No one wants to look at them. It’s offensive and unbelievably short of taste. It tacky and ridiculous and the only thing I imagine you do when you get home is crack a Budweiser, watch a race, and beat your wife. (B) If you are going to have balls on your truck like an inconsiderate prick, you should at least come out of the closet. It isn’t a bad thing by any means. You just need to accept that you like balls A LOT, and coming out might neutralize that macho shithead crap you no doubt display. (C) Get a Ravens Bumper sticker like normal people…. It only offends Steelers’ fans and they are the people who have the balls on their trucks anyway, so fuck them. Thanks for Reading---Jay